Where do we go when we are in this place? We are still in our bodies, held prisoners unable to leave. We can not speak, move, or feel, yet there is often a peaceful warm feeling in being there.
This is my experience of what it is like from the inside looking out.....
I am in my body, but not attached. I can see everything that is going on around me, but I have no relation to it. I keep going further and further away. Like I am being pulled by some unseen person or force, telling me, "Come with me, I can make it better, with me its safe, it will all be okay", and I WANT TO GO.
All I can feel is numbness everywhere, even my breathing is shallow, there is no connection to it, other than what keeps me in the physical. My eyes do not feel like eyes at all, they are nothing more than visuals to see this world and where I do not want to be. So I scan the area looking for something to focus on, a reason to stay.
I can feel myself starting to rise, this is true, you can feel yourself actually detaching from your body, and rising out from the the crown of your head.
Now, I am above and in back of my body watching all of it.
Sometimes I will also have a bout of streaming tears that will not stop. This is a very strange feeling. I feel so far away from my eyes and face, there is no sobbing, but the tears just keep coming. My body is frozen so, I can not move to wipe them, or stop them.
I don't know where I go when I leave. All I can honestly say is, it feels as if I am in between planes, since half of me is still here, or I would not be aware of my sorroundings.
The next thing I know, I am being plummeted back down into my body. This either happens by someone interveening, getting extremely startled, or it is time for the journey to end.
Sometimes when I come back I feel fine. I may not even remember, other than a loss of time. Others, it is with pain and fear, but it is not a "panic attack". It is much different, it is an old hurt, very familiar, yet I can not put a time or event to it. Somewhere in this transcendence, I have gathered it and brought it back. It is when I come back like this that I have also encountered the tears.
My theory on the pain is, it must have wanted to surface, to be let out, and thrown out. So it called to me, brought me where I needed to be to reach it, and came back with me so I could dispose of it.
I have no idea when this is going to happen or why. It just does.
I am trying to take it as it comes.
I use to call them "out of body experiences" which I guess it depends on what belief system you look at it from.
It has only happend to me twice full blown in the past couple of months, but I have been being 'called' often. I try to resist, it causes my husband great stress, and I myself do not have enough knowledge yet on what is taking place to be fully comfortable with it. So when it is at all possible I do everything I can to 'ground myself'. Obviously this does not always work, we all know there are forces way greater than us, and my rubbing my feet into the carpet to'ground myself' or my husbands snapping his fingers angrily in my face are not going to change their minds!
Now, I am not going into the psychotic states of mania or any other shrink mombo jumbo, that they would choose to label it as. These 'journeys' would happen to me before I went to the hospital, and then of course when I had the "Full Blown" Mixed Episode with Bi-Polar, which landed me in the hospital! Rightfully so, since I had lost total control, and was experiencing every disorder my mind had encountered at once.
After I came home, I still kept having the transcendent experiences, even on the meds. in fact I think the meds. made it able for me to get closer to them.
For some reason when I would go to where ever it is you go, I was not startled as easily, and I could and still can feel my 'being' fully while on the meds., it is just not connected to the physical body. I am wondering if it is because when I am on the meds., I am able to quiet the chattering of the 'minds monkey' allowing my subconsious to be guided spiritually to wherever it needs to be.
I do not know anything about this disorder, experience, transcent, whatever you would call it. I know that there is often peace in being in this place, even while there is pain. I have a strong desire not to come back to this world of existence, other than to be with my children and a few others that I love.
I know that it seems to occur during times of high stress, hence being the 'dissociative' label, but then why when I am having no stress, and feel at my best, am I often called upon? So then wouldn't this be an 'out of body experience'?
Confusing, I know this is my life, my questions,struggles, and often moments of peace. I believe there is a reason that I experience these transcendent experiences, what that reason is, I have yet to figure out.
My faith in God and in knowing that if I keep following my intuiton, searching for my path in life, no matter what others perception or philosphies of it or me may be, I will find the reason, and hopefully it will bring me the oneness I have been longing for.